Day Walker Talker

Was emailed this joke by a buddy of mine this morning.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that on one wall of his bedroom there are three shelves covered, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?”

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy relations. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

*Disclaimer*

I was told this story by my roommate a few days ago, and while we both question its truth it is way to good not to share with all of you.

The story starts on a road. A road engulfed in the shadows of vast evergreens, stretching as far as the eye can see. From the tree tops you can barely see the winding asphalt as it disappears into the sprawling Washington State landscape.

Dom, a 19 year old college student looking for part time work, has just found a job at a local wildlife sight seeing tour. A tour that deploys a coach bus to explore this very road multiple times a day. His boss has owned and operated the company for a few years, and takes pride in giving his costumers the wildlife experience at any cost. Today is Dom’s first day, it is also his last. 

When Dom arrives, first thing Monday morning, he’s approached by his superior who’s gearing up for the first excursion of the day. Business has been steady but, as Dom finds out this very moment, wildlife has not exactly been cooperating with the plights of the tour guide over the past couple weeks.

Boss: These people pay good money to see the animals and wildlife Washington State has to offer. We simply can’t afford to embark on another hour long tour that ends with no animal sightings. I’m going to need you to help us out today.

Dom: What do you need me to do?

He leads Dom to a closet around the back of the office, inside lays a full sized moose costume. His boss explains that every so often, when wildlife sightings are scarce, employees have to don the suit and pretend to graze in the grass while the bus drives by.

Boss: The bus drives by so quickly that it’s almost impossible to blow our cover. All you have to do is stand there, cool?

Dom: You want me to do what???

Two hours later he’s dropped off in the middle of a gravel parking lot that serves as entry to a local camp ground. Two or three cars are parked in the lot, but other then Dom stepping out onto the gravel, all is quiet and peaceful. Dom’s ride leaves, he takes a deep breath and puts on the moose head. On all fours he walks to the nearest tree and tries standing as motionless as possible. In a matter of minutes the bus should cruise by and he can take this ridiculous costume off and return to the office. He begins thinking if he really needs a part time job, how important is buying beer at college anyway? Before he can answer his own question there’s the sound of a branch snapping behind him. The moose turns toward where the cars are parked, a large black bear saunters out of the woods behind them and walks out onto the gravel.

Dom: Oh shit.

The moose looks up the road and sees the bus a mere two miles away. He doesn’t want to blow his bosses cover so he convinces himself the campers must have left food in their cars and the bear is simply after that. He stays in character, taking a few small steps closer to the road. Only the bear isn’t interested in the cars, he’s interested in the moose and he’s headed directly at Dom. Without giving it another moment of thought he stands up on his two feet and starts sprinting up toward the road, the bear rapidly approaching.

The tour guide is doing his routine, prepping his costumers for the wildlife they can expect to see during their hour together, when suddenly he sees a moose standing upright and sprinting toward the road.

Boss: (whispering) Jesus. Driver just speed up, keep driving!

Dom hits the asphalt as the bus blows right by him and continues down the winding road. Dom screams for it to stop, then turns to meet his certain demise. The bear stands up on its hind legs and a husky man removes the bear mask from his face.

Man: Dude what the fuck? You’re going to blow our cover!